Thailand

Dec 28, Christi writes:

After checking into our wondrous Chin House suite, H and I were pretty hungry, so we decided to head out to the famed red light district--Patpong!

When our taxi driver heard where we wanted to go, he chuckled and kept muttering "...Patpong, Patpong..." Well, when we were dropped off, we knew what he meant!

Everywhere you looked, there were whores! If we thought Patong beach (Phuket) was bad enough, Patpong makes that look like Disneyland! Girls for sale everywhere...in bars, in clubs all wearing similar lingerie-style uniforms, dancing on-stage in groups, around poles, dancing on farangs... A few ladyboys stood in alleyways, trying to entice their consumers. Another alleyway led us into the gay district-- a row of bars and shops where the homosexual farangs like to party it up for the night.

In the middle of Patpong, there are vendors selling everything from fake Chanel and Gucci scarves, Louis Vuitton bags, men holding up little white cards with the words: "DVD, VHS Sex tape"--which they loved to flash at H every chance they got.

Amidst all this, you have sex peddlers coming up to you with cards of all the 'puss* shows' available. By the 3rd time someone came around, I got curious and looked to see what shows were available. You've heard of that show--'Puppetry of the Penis'-- where a male can contort his genitalia into a hamburger and the likes? Well, none can be compared to what the puss* can do in Bangkok. It could:
1. cut a banana
2. shoot darts
3. play ping pong
4. electrify itself (I'm actually a little curious about this one)
5. squirt water
6. write the great [American] novel
7. razors (ehhh)
8. blow up balloons
Then in addition to these shows, there were shows that:
9. showed a man and woman making love
10. lesbian puss*
11. sexy puss* (reminds me of 'Borat', where possibly, puss* makes sexy time?)

H: One of the big annoyances were all the dirty salesmen trying to pitch their "Ping Pong Shows" to us. Shows that show women shooting out ping pong balls, darts, etc etc.... you can only imagine. They were so persistant that one insisted on following us and standing next to us while Christi and I talked. I waved him off several times but I guess that means "please stand here" in Thai because he didnt move an inch. I wanted to punch him.

C: Anyway, despite our willingness to partake in a puss* show, we did not because we just couldn't find an establishment we could trust to come out of alive (gasp!) But, overall, our excursion to Patpong is definitely a Thai experience we had to be a part of.

Speaking of the 'illegal trade', I guess Thai cops just turn a blind-eye to Patpong, Soi Cowboy and Nana Entertainment Plaza--that, or they get paid-off real well.

As H and I walk down the gay district, for the first time ever, I find a vendor selling fried crickets and dung beetles! I bought a fried cricket, asking for the smallest one there is, and of course, he gives me one of the largest! Finally, with all the back-and-forth hand movements, he finally understood what I wanted. I carried my cricket away to an Irish Pub where I could down the sucker with some Singha.

So after I ate the fried cricket, which pretty much tastes like a ball of fried dough, I got some of its legs stuck in between my teeth. Trust me, I was disgusted myself. So, finally, I swept it all out with my tongue, and that was the end of it. Later on, when Wynn and I are trading stories of eating fried insects and the like, I tell him my little conundrum and he says matter-of-fact, "Oh yea, you're supposed to pull off the legs before you eat them!" Well, there's something to be said for learning the hard way.